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Deviant

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First Man Post Goes Down as an L

I’ve been wondering where the guys were. All these my-best-friend-is-a psycho-lesbian-slut-whore-but-I-love-her posts, and the fellas have only chimed in to comment…and through e-mails at that. Well I finally got a real deal Dear Deviant phone call. I will do my best to transcribe from memory.

Dear Deviant,

A female co-worker of mine asked me to accompany her to buy a bicycle off of Craigslist. I said sure, no problem. I called my wife and told her I’m going with this co-worker. My wife asked me “who’s that?”, so I reminded her that she’d met this co-worker several times and that I’ve worked with her for the last 4-5 years. My wife says cool, just give her a call later. So I’m driving, we get there, the bike is a little beat up and my co-worker decides she does not want to buy it. My co-worker says she feels bad for making me drive all that way and offers to give me money for gas. I tell her I’m not taking her money, and she offers to at least buy me a beer for my birthday. We stop to get a drink, but I tell her only one because I have to get home. My wife calls and I tell her that I’m having a drink with the co-worker. She says cool, just give her a call. THEN, when I get home, she’s pissed at me! She’s pissed that I’m out drinking with women and all sorts of shit. My first reaction was to get upset, but then I’m like whatever. I’ve never given her a reason to doubt me before, and its someone who I’ve worked with for a while. Am I wrong?

-2RAW

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Dear 2RAW,

I’m going to let my man Bill Duke sum up your situation.

Now let me state what I and every woman reading this already know: You messed up when you started this story with “A female…” Your wife CLEARLY warned you not to go anywhere with this woman when she said, “Cool…” Forewarning was given when she said “Who’s That?” Are you deaf? Your wife knows who your co-worker is. What your wife was saying is, “Who is this b*tch that you dare call and ask me permission to go sleep with you no good punk muthasuch&such.” The only acceptable women are your mother, sister, grandmother, maybe an aunt and a cousin, definitely not a 2nd cousin or anything like that. And even they better know their roles.

You continued your journey on the L-train (i.e. messing up) with the following actions: driving your car, not accepting gas money, stopping for a drink WITH this woman, telling your wife you’re having a drink with this woman (I’m all for honesty, I’m just saying). I don’t care if you have a Honda Element and your friend drives a Segway, its her favor, she drives. Not accepting money made this seem friendly…you dare have lady friends with whom you hang outside of work? Accepting money would have made it a business transaction of sorts- still unacceptable, but better than a friendship.
Let’s say your wife doesn’t even know about the gas $, what on earth were you thinking having a drink with this woman? By that point, you should not have been having a drink with anyone, but definitely not with the hussy in question. Going to buy a bicycle…why you so interested in her fitness playboy?

You’re thinking real man-like right about now. I mean, what you said makes total sense, and hence where you messed up. To answer your question, YES, you’re wrong man. Think it would have been better if your wife had been with you? No. It’s like this: If I were married and my wife had sex with another man, I could get over that sh*t. BUT if I found out she was holding hands and staring into his eyes, feeding dood grapes and reading poetry…buying this ninja Wii fit ‘n sh*t like that…fam, I just caught a case, they’re going to have to put me under the jail. It’s not the what-if-he-sleeps-with-her factor (though don’t sleep on that either), its the time spent, the possibility for an emotional connection. You want to get off work so you can spend QT (quality time) with your wife. Any non-wife time is at work or in your garage/basement where she can monitor you. I’m not trying to paint women as mistrustful, just try to see it from her POV. I am a strong believer in reversibility and universality, meaning would it be cool if your wife just happened to have an errand with a male co-worker, especially one you don’t know, and then lallygag her way to a bar before coming home to you? Maybe, maybe not. For your wife, it’s not ok, and therefore you take the L.

In closing-

www.1800flowers.com

www.debeers.com

www.bestromanticinns.com

(You can’t buy your wife off [ha], just keep the Respect in mind)
Ladies, let me know if I got this one right or anything I missed.

Deviant

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He’s Not Your Man.

Dear Deviant,

My friend Lissi and I went to a party over the weekend. This guy that I saw last week and am totally infatuated with was there. Lissi knows how much I want to hook up with this guy cause I told her on the way to the party. At the party, I introduced myself and Lissi to this guy, and he and Lissi hit it off!!!!! He ends up asking for her number and she’s all drooling over him now. I can’t believe she stole my crush. Should I let her know how I feel or just cut her off? We’ve been friends forever, but I feel betrayed.

-MargInCharge
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Dear Margie,

Sometimes, not always, but just sometimes I do not believe these letters I receive are real life situations. Read the title of this post: This is not going in the win column for you. You “saw” this guy last week…and now have dibs on his soul? If Lissi had been scheming to get her claws into your boyfriend or at the least, some guy you had a crush on FOREVER, then yea, cut that bleep off. But…. you “saw” this guy, told her about him on the way to the party, and then actually believed you were more charming than her….?? I’m new to this whole advice column thing. No one is going to write me if I go off on every person that submits a letter. But Marge…come on fam. Be happy for your friend and find a new infatuation. Unless Lissi is a serial guy-stealer, let her and Prince Charming live happily ever after. Next time you “see” someone that is totally-infatuation worthy, do something other than introduce your friend to him.

Deviant

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Ladies Love Her

Dear Deviant,

I’ve been dating a woman for a few months now. This is my first lesbian relationship, but she has only been with women. We met in the club scene just flirting and making out sometimes. Eventually we started seeing each other more often and started a relationship. My problem is she still makes out with other women when we go clubbing. She says its just innocent partying. Do I have a right to be jealous?

-Jane Lover
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Dear J-Lo,

Usually I do not do this, but I’m going to make an exception for you. I am going to tell you the future: This is your ex-girlfriend- maybe not today, but soon enough. Save yourself the forthcoming heartache. It may be innocent kissing for her, but it obviously was not for you- you made her your girlfriend after swapping spit a few times. One always has the right to be jealous…that does not mean the other person has the obligation to care. If you are uncomfortable with the option of having an open relationship both of you are going to be miserable. Your jealousy will soon infringe upon her lavish lady loving and it will consume you until you explode in a Carrie-like rage. Or you can just be friends and find another person who only hearts J-Lo.

Deviant

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Confessions of a ManTaker

Dear Deviant,

Last week I was hanging with my BFF. Things were cool, but I told her I had to go take care of my mom who had a cold. Instead, I went on a date with her boyfriend. I feel terrible about lying, but they haven’t even been together that long. This was our 6th date. We haven’t had sex yet but he’s tried and now I want to. What should I do?

MANTAKER
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Dear MANTAKER,

I will spare you all the moral indignation everyone else would so rightly pour upon you. Instead, let’s forget everyone else’s feelings and just focus on you (something with which you are obviously quite comfortable). If you are going on dates with this guy, I take it you may be interested in more than some hot sex on a platter. This is not a good choice in a mate for you, mostly because he has adulterous tendencies AND a soon to be ex-girlfriend who already has your phone number and address. I take it you are severely starved for attention because of all the guys out there, you chose your “BFF’s” man. You might as well sleep with him- If not to compound the hurt your friend will live when she soon finds out that her guy has been double dipping in the friend sauce, at least because the aftermath will surely lead to another great post on Dear Deviant. PLEASE make sure to use a condom when making use of the community manhoe, no need to sprinkle chlamydia on the stab wounds in your BFF’s back.

Deviant

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Why, Why, Why?

Dear Deviant,

Why is it always about what’s wrong with women? When do men have to worry about changing to make sure women approve?  Why is everything about appealing to men’s desires and wishes?  I think I’m going to swear off men and dating FOREVER.  I’m sick of the games, the lies, the other women, the fear of commitment. MEN SUCK!!

-Pissed-off @ Men
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Dear P.A.M.,

Chile….I feel you.  There is something about that XY match up that just hardwires for stupid, and I’m a guy (hetero to boot!).  It is a male dominated patriarchal society/media/world in which women are expected to be big-busted, small-waist, and only interested in men’s interests.  But, let’s take a detour from the man-bashing, only for a second.

I am often of the perspective that issues are not women things or men things, black things or white things, but people things.  Honestly, people do not know what they want.  Some women have their mega-lists (consider this an open call to e-mail me with your list…please…..please do it).  Some men believe porno.  Mostly, people are just scared or anxious about allowing themselves to be vulnerable to the whims of another, though it makes for such a great roller-coaster ride through life (have I used the roller coaster analogy before?).

You don’t want to swear off men, you want to get rid of the jerks, the a**holes, liars, cheaters, minute men and non-cunniliguist.  True, this reduces your dating pool to Todd the 34y.o. accountant who lives with his mother and pet cat, but Todd may be empathetic and could be packing!  Quiet as is kept, not all women are beams of sunshine or contributing members to a relationship as well.  Even more quietly kept, not all women are good in bed (that has nothing to do with your issue though, I just wanted to let that snippy cat out of the bag).  

However, if you are sincere about your interests in warding off men, might I recommend the lovely land of ladies?  I must warn you, this will not reduce the games, lies, other women, or fear of commitment, but imagine all the money you’ll save when you take her out to ladies night!!  Welcome to the team!

Deviant

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Where for art thou o passionate nights?

OK, I know this was spam, but it read so well.  Who knows, some of you out there may actually feel this way.

Dear Deviant,

The tiger is gone from my husband and he is not interested in my body to make romantic intimate love and will not touch me. His testosterone levels are normal. He can get ready ok to perform and make intimate love and he says he is not cheating. He says he is just tired for love making but, finds energy to do all his hobbies.
What is wrong with me? I am not ugly, I get hit on all the time by men of all ages, even 20 year olds, I am 35. I am very clean about my body. I am not inhibited sexually and have told him that I would try anything he wants.

-Levitra
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Dear Levitra,

If your husband checks out physically, then the next thing to consider is psychologically.  First and foremost:

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

Secondly,

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

Don’t bare the full burden of what could possibly be a joint issue between the two of you.  His lack of sexual desire could be indicative of an underlying communication or interactional problem between the two of you, at his job, or something he considers personal and has kept from you.  Communication is key.  Perhaps you can consider locating a Marriage and Family Therapist in your area (www.aamft.org) that can help you and your husband through this rough time.
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With that said, damn you Levitra spam.  There goes my hopes of posting only snarky quips about people’s mundane lives in efforts to alleviate my own boredom and fears.  Upon review, I could have made that reply way more dramatic and entertaining, but my poptarts are ready.
This is a great time to review Dear Deviant’s disclaimer.

Deviant

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Long John Lover

Dear Deviant,
I want to persue an office romance. This guy “John” is mega hot and recently single. My only problem is that he was dating another woman in my department and that was his second office relationship. We’ve been flirty before and I know he finds me attractive. Should I let him know I’m interested?
-Longing4John
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Dear Longing4John,
Why?
With all the guys with whom you could get cuddly in your cubicle, why seek the one guy that’s the office hoe? Have you ever had any troubles mass uploading pics of drunken nights off your blackberry to your picassa or facebook album? Then go after the IT geek that’s longing for you. Sure, he may seem awkward with all the WOW memorabilia hanging around, but that time he spends downloading D&D maps is time he’s not sexting the temp in accounting. Think about it.
Deviant

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OMG NO WAY, T3ARZ

Dear Deviant,

I THINK MY BOYFRIEND IS CHEATING ON ME?!?!?

-OMG

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OMG,

I think so, too.

Deviant

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My Friend’s Friend is not being Friendly

Dear Deviant,

I have a friend that I started hanging out with and her best friend got jealous. Eventually I just stopped being nice and started reciprocating her behavior. One day the best friend got really immature and told her that she did not want to be friends anymore. So I wrote her and told her what an immature b*tch she was being and that no one was trying to steal her best friend. I really called her out on her behavior towards her best friend and towards me. She apologized and made up with our friend. So what’s the problem you ask? She is still being a B!tch. Not as hostile but her demeanor is still the same. It feels like she does not want me around. I am not backing down over something so immature. After the incident I started being my nice normal self again, but she is still acting cold; a little warmer, but still cold. Should I call her out again in person this time? Should I keep ignoring it and bring someone else around so that I have I have someone to make make me feel more comfortable when in the situation? Lately, if we are in a social setting and I feel her pulling for attention of our friend I usually go work the room. What do you think Deviant?

Annoyed ‘Friend’
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Annoyed ‘Friend,’

That was annoying. This evil friend-of-friend was acting immature, so you went off on her…..in an e-mail.

Where is your mutual friend during all of this cold behavior? Is she too cool to notice this bickering beef of bffs? Or does she realize that if she interjects, it is possible that all 3 of you will have to stand in the corner during recess and then go straight to nap time?

It feels like she does not want you around because she does not want you around. If your new friend (her best friend) does not care to act as a buffer between her two friends, perhaps she is not so friendly either. PLEASE do not bring someone else into this vicious triangle of Real Scenesters of Miami.

Play nice kiddies.

Deviant

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