I’ve been wondering where the guys were. All these my-best-friend-is-a psycho-lesbian-slut-whore-but-I-love-her posts, and the fellas have only chimed in to comment…and through e-mails at that. Well I finally got a real deal Dear Deviant phone call. I will do my best to transcribe from memory.
Dear Deviant,
A female co-worker of mine asked me to accompany her to buy a bicycle off of Craigslist. I said sure, no problem. I called my wife and told her I’m going with this co-worker. My wife asked me “who’s that?”, so I reminded her that she’d met this co-worker several times and that I’ve worked with her for the last 4-5 years. My wife says cool, just give her a call later. So I’m driving, we get there, the bike is a little beat up and my co-worker decides she does not want to buy it. My co-worker says she feels bad for making me drive all that way and offers to give me money for gas. I tell her I’m not taking her money, and she offers to at least buy me a beer for my birthday. We stop to get a drink, but I tell her only one because I have to get home. My wife calls and I tell her that I’m having a drink with the co-worker. She says cool, just give her a call. THEN, when I get home, she’s pissed at me! She’s pissed that I’m out drinking with women and all sorts of shit. My first reaction was to get upset, but then I’m like whatever. I’ve never given her a reason to doubt me before, and its someone who I’ve worked with for a while. Am I wrong?
-2RAW
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Dear 2RAW,
I’m going to let my man Bill Duke sum up your situation.
Now let me state what I and every woman reading this already know: You messed up when you started this story with “A female…” Your wife CLEARLY warned you not to go anywhere with this woman when she said, “Cool…” Forewarning was given when she said “Who’s That?” Are you deaf? Your wife knows who your co-worker is. What your wife was saying is, “Who is this b*tch that you dare call and ask me permission to go sleep with you no good punk muthasuch&such.” The only acceptable women are your mother, sister, grandmother, maybe an aunt and a cousin, definitely not a 2nd cousin or anything like that. And even they better know their roles.
You continued your journey on the L-train (i.e. messing up) with the following actions: driving your car, not accepting gas money, stopping for a drink WITH this woman, telling your wife you’re having a drink with this woman (I’m all for honesty, I’m just saying). I don’t care if you have a Honda Element and your friend drives a Segway, its her favor, she drives. Not accepting money made this seem friendly…you dare have lady friends with whom you hang outside of work? Accepting money would have made it a business transaction of sorts- still unacceptable, but better than a friendship.
Let’s say your wife doesn’t even know about the gas $, what on earth were you thinking having a drink with this woman? By that point, you should not have been having a drink with anyone, but definitely not with the hussy in question. Going to buy a bicycle…why you so interested in her fitness playboy?
You’re thinking real man-like right about now. I mean, what you said makes total sense, and hence where you messed up. To answer your question, YES, you’re wrong man. Think it would have been better if your wife had been with you? No. It’s like this: If I were married and my wife had sex with another man, I could get over that sh*t. BUT if I found out she was holding hands and staring into his eyes, feeding dood grapes and reading poetry…buying this ninja Wii fit ‘n sh*t like that…fam, I just caught a case, they’re going to have to put me under the jail. It’s not the what-if-he-sleeps-with-her factor (though don’t sleep on that either), its the time spent, the possibility for an emotional connection. You want to get off work so you can spend QT (quality time) with your wife. Any non-wife time is at work or in your garage/basement where she can monitor you. I’m not trying to paint women as mistrustful, just try to see it from her POV. I am a strong believer in reversibility and universality, meaning would it be cool if your wife just happened to have an errand with a male co-worker, especially one you don’t know, and then lallygag her way to a bar before coming home to you? Maybe, maybe not. For your wife, it’s not ok, and therefore you take the L.
In closing-
www.1800flowers.com
www.debeers.com
www.bestromanticinns.com
(You can’t buy your wife off [ha], just keep the Respect in mind)
Ladies, let me know if I got this one right or anything I missed.
E-mail your love & advice questions to me@deardeviant.com
#1 by Ms. NB on August 11th, 2009
Dear Deviant,
A few guys could honestly make the mistake of being lead on by a ‘hussy,’ if you will, female co-worker. A majority of men know better but go anyways because they like attention. Attention is SO reinforcing that it can cause nice men to do stupid things, like this. Based on the way things progressed, from bike to bar, one can see that this hussy did not need help purchasing a bicycle. Most women don’t need help buying mechanical things now a days with inventions such as the internet and novelties such as sales people. The hussy knew exactly what she was doing and I doubt your friend was a victim. You did not mention it in the recap, but I am sure by the time drink time came around, the flirting was blatantly obvious.
You are right D, he fucked up from the get go, but he could be one of those few guys, but I doubt it. Hussy has probably been working it for weeks. Good guys know better but delude themselves into thinking its ok because they are just friends with the hussy knowing full well that if they even gave the hussy the right look, her clothes would disappear into thin air and a bed would appear in the same moment. If he needs attention he should get it from his wife or a platonic friend. Take up a hobby. I’m not saying a married man should never do anything alone with a hussy, but make sure its not in a private setting or offer your assistance by phone if you feel such an intense need to help hussies out. Shoot, he could have brought her some rope if it was because ‘her car isn’t big enough to hold the bike’ story.
He also fucked up because he agreed to call his wife the first time and she ended up calling him mid-drink with the hussy! I’m happy he told her what was up, but how could he expect her not to be mad? That’s what probably tipped his wife over the edge; not the drink, but the not calling.
He needs to stay away from this co-worker & figure out the real reason he felt the need to help this hussy co-worker out because its hard to believe he really thought she needed help with a bike.
Sincerely,
Ms. NB
BTW D, I’m loving the ‘psycho-lesbian-slut-whore’ reference.
#2 by Deviant on August 11th, 2009
The PLSW reference was just for you.
I don’t know. Sure men + everyone else love attention. He may have just been trying to be helpful. And if he’s worked with her for years, we can’t say if her new found horniness even exists. I wouldn’t go buy something from a stranger off Craigslist by myself. That bike might have bodies on it.
This is one of the rare posts where I know some back story. If he was trying to, he could have been got it in with this co-worker or any others years back. I doubt he has. I’d sooner file this one as Good Guys Go Dumb before I put it in the infidelity files.
#3 by Friday's Girl on August 11th, 2009
The general rule as I’ve been taught (or had it verbally pounded into my head) is that men are predators by nature and women are nurturing by nature so if a women is not properly schooled to the game a man can always get over, at least temporarily. The un-documented yet well known flip side, that Anthony Anderson put so well, is that “the CIA aint got sh*t on a woman with a plan!”
Now even if office hussy did not have a “plan”, it is a possibility. If that office hussy wanted to move in on Mrs. 2RAW’s man Mr. 2RAW has made is pretty clear that he will stand by and let it happen.
I’m sure 2RAW wants us to clap it up for him because he was so kind and good and decent for accompanying this hussy just to make sure she wasn’t murdered. Bravo. But priority number one is your wife. She has to feel secure and its not a good feeling to think that your man–no, your HUSBAND is going to be running around helping damsels in distress over beer.
The bottom line is you probably wont get why she is so mad (until God-forbid it happens to you–and maybe not even then) but if her dealings with other men makes you uncomfortable she would (hopefully) stop the dealings and make amends. Same goes for you. Gucci works best.
#4 by The real 2Raw on August 14th, 2009
While my man D did a great job articulating what went down and in retro spec I see that I did f*ck up. But the fuck up was not in the fact that I was willing to help a co-worker, but the fact that when plans changed I should have let wifey know. I should have called and said “ hey plans blew up my friend offered to buy me a drink for my trouble do you want us to come and pick you up. “ see what I did there not only did I tell her my new plans but invited her to come along so she can know there are no ill motives. I will say that it is a sad sad sad world we live in when a dude can’t do anything for a lady without his or her motives being questioned. If roles were reversed I wouldn’t have had an issue because I have mad trust in wifey. To me I would not see the point in marrying someone if you didn’t give that kind of trust? But that’s I how I think and it’s unfair to believe that wifey would think the same as I. I only got one last thing to say. Women, not every dude is looking to step out on you and if you have that constant fear/feeling/belief then maybe it’s time to reevaluate your situation because you’re selling yourself short. There are honest good dudes out there, we may do some dumb things and f*ck up from time to time but we still can be trusted.
#5 by Deviant on September 5th, 2009
2RAW,
I only just saw that you had replied.
I really see both sides of this argument. Also, I think it is quite telling that the women believed you to be opening up a door to creeping while I can see your point that there is trust, so what’s the big deal.
I think the problem is that so many men (people) establish an image of trust when there were ulterior motives all along. I also think women experience this three-fold as many times as men, so out here in this wilderness of romance, they have to keep their guard up. I just hope that for both women and men, in efforts to build supporting, trusting, and loving relationships, that both sides can at some point let their guard down.
New Dear Deviant next week. toodles.
#6 by Friday's Girl on September 16th, 2009
NO! It shall not end this way! Both sides must put their guards down. Yes. I have no earthly idea how that is going to happen, but keep praying.
But, the point here is this: that heffa aint yo wife. You can not assume that she has you or your wife’s best interest at heart. You don’t know her mind because you have not established that bond. Nobody wants to be played and any woman running around having drinks with a married man without even thinking about what’s up with the wife must be relegated to the sneaky heffa ranks until proven otherwise. . .and (since it caused some rift) she played you and your wife. You let her. It’s not that big of a deal. You seem sincere. It’s over. She MAY have meant no harm (maybe not). Blahzay blah, but you have to accept the fact that you live on earth. People are full of sh**. A woman wants a man and the standard these days is “gone girl, take you one!” Don’t do things to let your wife even entertain the idea that you would let somebody mess with what yall got.
Side Note: I am not a woman-hating woman. I love sisterhood and I need to stop calling office hussy such names (whatever!). But I do reside on planet earth and earthlings can be stank! Watch your back and let your guard down with your one. . .and give her that same opportunity.