I’ve been wondering where the guys were. All these my-best-friend-is-a psycho-lesbian-slut-whore-but-I-love-her posts, and the fellas have only chimed in to comment…and through e-mails at that. Well I finally got a real deal Dear Deviant phone call. I will do my best to transcribe from memory.

Dear Deviant,

A female co-worker of mine asked me to accompany her to buy a bicycle off of Craigslist. I said sure, no problem. I called my wife and told her I’m going with this co-worker. My wife asked me “who’s that?”, so I reminded her that she’d met this co-worker several times and that I’ve worked with her for the last 4-5 years. My wife says cool, just give her a call later. So I’m driving, we get there, the bike is a little beat up and my co-worker decides she does not want to buy it. My co-worker says she feels bad for making me drive all that way and offers to give me money for gas. I tell her I’m not taking her money, and she offers to at least buy me a beer for my birthday. We stop to get a drink, but I tell her only one because I have to get home. My wife calls and I tell her that I’m having a drink with the co-worker. She says cool, just give her a call. THEN, when I get home, she’s pissed at me! She’s pissed that I’m out drinking with women and all sorts of shit. My first reaction was to get upset, but then I’m like whatever. I’ve never given her a reason to doubt me before, and its someone who I’ve worked with for a while. Am I wrong?

-2RAW

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Dear 2RAW,

I’m going to let my man Bill Duke sum up your situation.

Now let me state what I and every woman reading this already know: You messed up when you started this story with “A female…” Your wife CLEARLY warned you not to go anywhere with this woman when she said, “Cool…” Forewarning was given when she said “Who’s That?” Are you deaf? Your wife knows who your co-worker is. What your wife was saying is, “Who is this b*tch that you dare call and ask me permission to go sleep with you no good punk muthasuch&such.” The only acceptable women are your mother, sister, grandmother, maybe an aunt and a cousin, definitely not a 2nd cousin or anything like that. And even they better know their roles.

You continued your journey on the L-train (i.e. messing up) with the following actions: driving your car, not accepting gas money, stopping for a drink WITH this woman, telling your wife you’re having a drink with this woman (I’m all for honesty, I’m just saying). I don’t care if you have a Honda Element and your friend drives a Segway, its her favor, she drives. Not accepting money made this seem friendly…you dare have lady friends with whom you hang outside of work? Accepting money would have made it a business transaction of sorts- still unacceptable, but better than a friendship.
Let’s say your wife doesn’t even know about the gas $, what on earth were you thinking having a drink with this woman? By that point, you should not have been having a drink with anyone, but definitely not with the hussy in question. Going to buy a bicycle…why you so interested in her fitness playboy?

You’re thinking real man-like right about now. I mean, what you said makes total sense, and hence where you messed up. To answer your question, YES, you’re wrong man. Think it would have been better if your wife had been with you? No. It’s like this: If I were married and my wife had sex with another man, I could get over that sh*t. BUT if I found out she was holding hands and staring into his eyes, feeding dood grapes and reading poetry…buying this ninja Wii fit ‘n sh*t like that…fam, I just caught a case, they’re going to have to put me under the jail. It’s not the what-if-he-sleeps-with-her factor (though don’t sleep on that either), its the time spent, the possibility for an emotional connection. You want to get off work so you can spend QT (quality time) with your wife. Any non-wife time is at work or in your garage/basement where she can monitor you. I’m not trying to paint women as mistrustful, just try to see it from her POV. I am a strong believer in reversibility and universality, meaning would it be cool if your wife just happened to have an errand with a male co-worker, especially one you don’t know, and then lallygag her way to a bar before coming home to you? Maybe, maybe not. For your wife, it’s not ok, and therefore you take the L.

In closing-

www.1800flowers.com

www.debeers.com

www.bestromanticinns.com

(You can’t buy your wife off [ha], just keep the Respect in mind)
Ladies, let me know if I got this one right or anything I missed.

E-mail your love & advice questions to me@deardeviant.com